Hands up if you’re the type of person who always feels guilty. *hands up*
If you’re the type of person who tiptoes around others in case you offend them, or say something that they might disagree with. If you’re the type of person who worries too much about what other people think and not enough about what you think.
Yeah, my hands are still up.
You know the things, loving a top but wondering what other people will think about you in it, rather than how you actually feel about yourself in it. Wanting to say something to someone but biting your tongue because you might rock a boat that you don’t even want to be on. Being paranoid that people are talking about you behind your back, because you dared to think or act differently.
Jesus it’s the biggest pain in the arse ever.
Living my life, for the benefit of others. Makes no sense at all does it? It means I’m not actually living my life at all, what a bloody waste! I am not the type of person who sits around waiting for someone to do something, if it doesn’t get done, I’ll do it myself, but yet somehow I find myself putting me behind everyone else.
Here’s the big thing. No one else cares about the things you care about. And I mean that in the nicest way. Does anyone really care if I wear a yellow jumper? No, of course they don’t! They’re all too busy worrying about the green/blue/pink jumper they want to wear but feel like they shouldn’t. Does anyone notice if I pick up a pair of size 14 jeans rather than a 12? Nope. They’re too busy looking at their own reflection and hoping they look ok. Basically, what I think everyone is judging *me* on, they’re really judging themselves on. We’re all too blinkered to really notice anyone else. I certainly wouldn’t judge someone for having a difference of opinion, so why would I assume they judge me?
It’s exhausting, it really is. And, in the spirit of trying 12 new things during 2014, here’s one of them. I’m going to stop feeling guilty about things. I’m going to say no, and stick with no if that’s what I want and mean. I’m not going to be emotionally bullied into things, if someone doesn’t like what I have to say, then that’s their issue not mine. I won’t go out of my way to be rude (unless you’re taking a leisurely stroll around Sainsburys in which case I will be damn rude) but I won’t be censoring myself in a way that means I don’t get to be me. I am who I am, their choice is to take it or leave it.
Scary steps to take, but pretty important ones I think. I can’t stop people judging me but I can stop it from affecting me. What difference to my life does it make if someone ‘thinks’ something bad about me? None whatsoever! Time doesn’t stop, the world doesn’t stop spinning, my kids don’t stop shouting, everything carries on as it always has. And that’s how I am going to react from now on. With nothing.
Wish me luck.