I saw a post on FB this morning, by Constance Hall (hilarious woman, you have to read her stuff) and it was all about writing new vows for her and her hubs. Well, after cracking up and agreeing with 90% of them, I thought I could write my own, seeing at the bloke and I have been together for coming up to 19 years. Nineteen years. What the actual f*ck?! (Clearly I don’t look old enough)
So, I bring you, the new vows for the AG marriage.
- I vow to not punch you in the ribs when you snore like a freight train. I understand you need said ribs, and if we continue in this way, you’ll have none left by the end of the week.
- You must vow to find a way of ensuring you sleep facing the wall with your mouth firmly shut. ALL night.
- I vow to try to contain my need to throw things around the room when I am on the edge of PMT.
- You must vow to NEVER utter the words “are you due on” at me again.
- I vow to kiss you each morning before you leave for work, regardless of whether I’ve had a coffee, the kids have had breakfast, I know what I’m wearing that day or, if I’m growing a new chin out of a giant spot on my mush.
- You need to vow to not make those kisses wet and sloppy. I hate that shit.
- I vow to stop expecting you to be a mind reader. After all these years you’d think I’d know that’s not one of your talents.
- You need to vow to notice the washing basket needs emptying, the sheets need changing, the bathrooms need cleaning. I don’t have magic cleaning eyes, you see what I see. Calling the cleaner is a compromise I am happy with.
- I vow to stop bitching that you’re a morning person. In *all* senses.
- You must vow to stop bitching that I’m an evening person. In *all* senses.
- I vow to stop telling my friends all your funny f*ck ups so they can use it against you on FB.
- You vow (you will) to hear me the first time I say something. No matter what it is.
- I vow to slow down while pushing a shopping trolley and understand that some people do, in fact, use it as a day out, and are enjoying walking at a snails pace.
- You need to vow to understand that sometimes, those people will have their trolley hurried along. Sainsbury’s is not my idea of a day trip.
- I vow to laugh at your jokes. When you crack them. And not say “hey, that’s funny, for you…..”
- You must vow to continue making me laugh.
- I vow to try and reign in my sarcasm at inappropriate moments. Although I know you secretly love it.
- You must vow to get my “looks” a lot faster than you do. When you see that look, respond.
- I vow to try and stack the dishwasher in a way that keeps your OCD happy.
- You must vow to put the empty loo rolls in the bloody bin.
And there we go. What do you think, if we renew our vows next year, these would work wouldn’t they?