I know, it’s been a long time coming. Before anyone feels like being a smart arse.
I like to think I’m some kind of superwoman, give me any task and I’ll nail it. Externally that its, internally I’ll be a big old mess and mentally tearing my hair out. But I won’t tell *you* that, because that would be stupid….
Back in March I decided to take a step towards my dream job, I applied for a place on an access to health and social care course and got it. It started in April, and during my interview the tutor kept repeating how hard it was, how much work there was to do, and how it would take over my life. I chuckled along, thinking OK lady, give it a rest and stop exaggerating.
Only she wasn’t.
It started off slowly then hit all at once like a frigging steam train. I had essays, reports, assignments, exams and presentations coming out of my ears. It’s a full time course. Even though I’m only there for two full days a week but I’m also expected to put in as many hours out of college as I spend in, so that’s 16 hours in, 16 hours out. Add to that a part time job, two kids a husband and two dogs, you can see where the shit was being lost. Something had to give. And it did. I had to make a decision based on my happiness and sanity, before I officially went off the scale. Sometimes you just have to take the whole leap and not just bits of it. (Yes, that’s a hippy statement but whatever!) I couldn’t keep stretching myself in all directions because I wasn’t giving anything my full attention. The kids were getting ready meals and takeaways, the husband was getting a snoring wife every evening, the washing was piling up on top of the piles and don’t even mention the housework. I think my TV has raised an inch or two with the layer of dust under it.
Being a midwife is what I want to do. There is nothing else that I can see myself doing, I kept trying to give myself other options, fall backs if this failed – but nothing sat right with me, because midwifery is what I’m meant to do, one way or another. And because of that I have to throw myself into it 100%. No more half measures. I’ve had two exams, handed in three essays and made one presentation in the last month. Both exams were graded with distinctions, two of the three essays have been marked, both distinctions, and the presentation, a distinction. I still have three more essays to be graded and an exam to sit tomorrow (hence more shit losing) but I’m slowly starting to think I might be ok at this, I might be able to do it. The whole time I’ve felt like I’ve been winging it, waiting to get caught out for being a fraud. I have no faith in myself at all and I really need to work on that. Maybe next week….!
For now, the end is in sight. Two more days of college until September. The kids will be at school for a couple more weeks, I won’t have any revision, any work, I can start to be mum again, stay awake past 10pm, not feel the need for a granny nap every day. I’m looking forward to cooking some proper dinners, cleaning the house (I know, I know) and spending some time with my babes.
And a bloody HUGE gin and tonic.Read More