Yup. That old chestnut.
I don’t think you can be a mama without feeling some sort of guilt at the end of every day. There’s always something you wish you hadn’t/had done, it’s like an actual law once you’ve given birth, you must beat yourself up forever more.
My guilt is this. A; I hardly ever see my two, especially my youngest, and B; said youngest is out of the house every single evening after school. Both of these are due to the fact that I decided now would be a good time to start studying my backside off.
When I started the access course back in April (why does it feel like it was year rather than months ago?) I knew it would be hard work, I wasn’t expecting it to be *this* much hard work. Two days a week at college, easy to manage childcare around that, and they probably wouldn’t even know I was missing. But they do. H, not so much, she’s now at the age where she’d rather be at her friends house, or upstairs in her room with them. As long as there is food, music and wifi, she’s happy. But C, he goes to his grandparents on a Monday, beavers on a Tue, childminder on a Wed, his friends on a Thur and has taekwondo on a Friday. I know none of these things are torture for him, but it does make you realise why he’s a little bit grumpy and knackered come Friday afternoon. He’s tall, and loud, and confident, but he’s still only six, and really, he needs afternoons at home watching telly and vegging out. But then, where does the study time fit in? I’m at college till 9.15pm on a Monday, all day Tue & Thurs so that only leaves Wed and Fri to get the INSANE amount of college work done, and I’m not even slightly joking when I say insane.
Then there’s the future guilt. You know, the stuff that hasn’t even happened yet but you’re still worrying about it. What if I *do* get into uni, and what if I *do* become a midwife. He’s already asked me if he will still see me once I’m a midwife! ARGH! The heartstrings……!
I know I don’t have do any of these things, I could stay at home, cooking and cleaning but then there’s a different kind of guilt, one that feels like I’m kind of wasting my life by not at least trying.
So then it’s the whole cycle of guilt all over again.
Great this parenting lark isn’t it!