I’ll be your clown….
*warning – bit deeper than my usual*
Ok, so here goes. I have this character that I tend to act out. One where I am quite happy to take the p out of myself on a daily, or even hourly basis, to stop myself having to show the real me. I would rather make people laugh at me, than show how I’m really feeling about a situation.
It’s not that I don’t like myself, or that I feel like I’m not ‘good’ enough, but sometimes dealing with shit on a day to day basis, you don’t want to have to share it with everyone. It’s nice to be able to pretend that everything is ok and yes, I’m fine. Those closest to me, especially my poor hubs, get the real me (and yet he still stays with me!) he gets the panicked phone calls, the insane dreams that wake me and him up each night, the sleepwalking and looking for certain clothes in my sleep (I mean, come on?!) He gets the manic cleaning & tidying up sessions where I don’t want to sit still and just think. The conversations that happen 20 minutes after he’s fallen asleep because I’ve started thinking about one thing and it’s led onto seven other, totally unrelated issues that I need to discuss right there and then.
If I showed everyone that side of me, they would think I’m even more insane than they already do. I know people view me as this bossy, hard nosed, stubborn woman, and I can be all of those things. But more often than not, I’m scared. Scared that we’re not making the right decisions, that my kids aren’t experiencing everything they should be, that I’m not working enough, or too much, that things will never really change and we’ll be stuck in groundhog day. Deep down, I know everyone has these thoughts, and sometimes I’m sure they’re quite rational. We’re bringing up two humans in a world where babies are being hurt by their parents, schools are dealing with gunmen and there aren’t enough jobs to go around. Who wouldn’t be terrified for themselves and their kids?
So, rather than admit it, I’ll be the one who cracks jokes about the situation. Even if it does very little in the way of making me feel better, it certainly helps the other person. How many times do you get asked how you are and truly reply? The word ‘fine’ should be banned from the dictionary as far as I’m concerned. If I cock up, I’ll beat myself up about it for DAYS, knowing that I’m the only one doing it, but you can guarantee I’ll throw a few jokes into the conversation just so you really get that I’m actually totally fine about the whole thing…..
I think it probably stems from being the ONLY tall redhead at school. If someone was going to take the piss out of me, I’d beat them to it. Anything you can say about me, I can say worse. And if I say it, well it’s funny isn’t it? Not anymore. I don’t want my kids doing what I do. I don’t want to do what I do!
No, actually, I’m not ok/fine/great. I’m knackered, stressed & really bloody angry. I’m sick of feeling guilty that I’m not spending enough “quality” time with my kids, I’m sick of reading quotes about how wonderful motherhood is, because it isn’t, not all the time. It’s hard work, it’s exhausting, it’s draining. I’ve had enough with the competition between mums, the judgement, the sheer bloody pathetic-ness of it all. I don’t want to keep hearing about people who don’t work & go off on all inclusive holidays and return to their massive homes. I’ve really had enough.
It’s bad enough being an adult, but being in charge of two other people wipes the energy out of you. No, disney films and early nights aren’t all it’s about. Because working & surviving take more than just sticking a film on and going to bed early. With a brain like mine, I’m lucky to fall asleep before 1am most nights. Add to that my nightly activity and the fact that GG likes to be up before the bloody cockerel, means it’s a very rare day that I wake up in a good mood. But you know what’s worse than all of that? Putting on my clown face and pretending that it’s all ok. “Katie can deal with it, she’s made of stone I’m sure”. I’m not, and I can’t. But I have to. Because that’s my job & I chose it.
Next time you see me and I have a face like thunder, just bear in mind that sometimes, I need to blow my top and release all this, it’s nothing against you. In fact, if you see the real me, then you must be pretty bloody special in my opinion.