I’ve been debating writing this sort of post for a while, this is family style blog, it has my kids on here, and while I am trying to be more ‘lifestyle’ than ‘parenting’ I’m always going to be in the parenting bracket. Because I am one. But, this probably is my favourite subject. (Mum, if you’re reading, look away now…)

Sex.

An intelligent person pointed out to me last week that without sex, I wouldn’t be a parent, so therefore I can completely write about it on my site without worrying about what genre I’m in. So I am.

We live in a two bedroom apartment, which means that we’re all on the same floor and no matter what room we’re in, someone is in the room next door. Great when you, well actually I can’t think of a reason why this would be great at all, but bloody annoying when you want a bit of privacy for any reason, never mind when you want to rip each others clothes off. My kids are little spies. They will not miss a single thing that I try to sneak past them. Whether that is stealth chocolate eating or silently locking our bedroom door, one of them will hear us and ask what we’re doing. EVEN when they’re meant to be asleep. It’s brilliant they’re so inquisitive isn’t it….

I’d hate to think the days of being able to get dirty in the kitchen/living room/hallway have gone forever, but they’re certainly on the back burner for a while, it’s practically impossible to switch off and relax with the threat of a small person coming out and asking what we’re doing, so, much to the husbands annoyance, we’re bound to bedroom for a while longer. Maybe when we have a house and a set of creaky stairs that give us a bit of a heads up to an audience I’ll relax a bit more?

It also means the morning sessions that can set you up for the day suddenly become a ridiculous comedy act, if we were being filmed (we’re not, come off it…!) it would make it to you’ve been framed I’m sure. Legs and arms everywhere, quilts being kicked off, then pulled back, door handles rattling, seriously, who finds that sexy?! As much as I’d love to jump the mans bones every morning, I can’t think of anything worse when there are two noisy kids fighting over who gets to watch what programme, who gets to brush their teeth first, who doesn’t want toast for breakfast banging around outside the bedroom door. Our door doesn’t even lock properly as the husband managed to break the catch on the door handle, so we have a flimsy slide lock at the top, which means the door open just enough to peep through…Fantastic! And, lets be honest, I’m not in my sexiest frame of mind when all I can hear is “MUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMY” through the walls. That’s really not my thing.

The man recalls a friends set of parents who had a rule that if their door was closed, at any time of the day or night, the parents weren’t to be disturbed. Clever parents. Just makes me laugh though, A: because my kids wouldn’t ever consider this rule & would barge in regardless and B: my first thought was “what if there’s an emergency?!” Seriously, how brain washed do you become when you give birth!?

When the kids are babysat, we both think the same thing. Result. Unfortunately, that’s normally because it means we get to sleep in and don’t need to get up while it’s still dark. But, it does give us a bit of freedom to be the people we are when we’re not parents. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not swinging from chandeliers or anything (mainly because this is a new build and I’m not sure the ceiling would handle the weight of a chandelier never mind me doing acrobatics from it) Walking round the bedroom naked, being a little bit nosier than we (I) would be normally. But this only happens when we get 2 mornings to ourselves. We can’t be chasing each other round the flat when we’re both still knackered, one morning sleeping, the next morning shagging. That’s my kind of weekend.

I suppose when you become a parent, you become a master of doing things at speed, whether it’s reading the paper, eating your dinner, or getting your rocks off, which is all very well and good, we live in a fast forward world, but sometimes we all want a 3 course meal served by candle light rather than a fast food happy meal shoved at us through a hatch. So, when those slow sexy moments arise, you can guarantee I’ll be ripping my clothes off at speed and making sure the sodding door is properly locked.

I can’t promise it’ll be very quiet though…