Stop this ride.
I’m having a bit of a wobble. No, scrap that, I’m having a huge gigantic massive spaz out. You know, I’d hate to call myself dramatic *cough* but sometimes I wonder who the hell decided that I was going to be any good at any of the things I’ve decided to do.
I’m not one for doing things by halves, if I decide to do something then you can pretty much bet that I’ll just carry on regardless, even if it’s not a good idea, even if I’ve been told directly, it’s not a good idea. You could call that stubborn, I like to call it determined. It’s a much nicer word.
But, what I’m wobbling over isn’t something I’ve decided to do on a whim, it’s not something that I can say, “nope, can’t cope with this, you do it” it’s the very main part of my life, being a mum.
GG is almost 10. Next week she will hit double figures. I don’t know why, but this scares me more than any other birthday. It’s just a number, she won’t suddenly wake up and be different – but she already is in some ways. She’s always looked older than her years, sometimes acted it, but at the same time she’s still very young. There’s a lot she doesn’t know, and a lot I know I have to teach her in the next few years. That’s where I’m panicking. Am I grown up enough to do it? It’s not a job I can cock up, it’s not something I can patch up if I make a mistake, this is a whole persons life in my hands. Shit.
I want my little girl to grow up confident and happy, to not be bothered by bullies or meaningless words, to let little digs bounce off her back because she’s so sure of herself, I want her to grow up feeling safe and secure – at home and outside. When things like children going missing come on the news, I want to turn it off and protect her from it but at the same time, make her aware of what’s possible outside our front door. How do you do that? How do you prepare a child for such things without scaring them half to death? I’ve always had an issue with the “don’t talk to strangers” rule, especially when it’s closely followed by “say hello to the old lady that you don’t know” How is a child meant to know which one to pick? The world is a bloody scary place, for adults never mind children, and it’s becoming more so every single day. I used to let GG go to the mini park just around the corner from us, when her friends were playing there, not anymore. The thought of either of them being away from me makes me feel physically sick. But, how do I hide that, not show it so she doesn’t pick up on it & become nervous to leave me? Where is that balance?
Leading by example is all very well and good, but I’m not entirely sure my example is ready to be followed. I’d be happy to keep them both sat next to me at all times. They may be bored stiff but they’d be safe. GG is always in a rush, a rush to grow up and do everything she thinks is more fun that what she has now. I’m lucky in a sense that I remember that feeling, being almost 10, you want to be almost 13, being 15 you want to be 18, it doesn’t really stop (until you get to 30 and think, I’d much rather be 18 again thanks…) I can’t slow down the speed she wants to grow up at, but I can make sure it doesn’t pass by so fast I missed it all and made mistakes. I can’t afford to do this wrong. And there is my wobble.
Stop this ride, I want to get off for a while. Not because I hate it, because I want to make it last a hell of a lot longer.