I’m having one of those weeks. You know the kind where you just can’t make a decision on anything. From the mundane (dinner?) to the whole big life issue thing. I’m like a proverbial tennis ball on a court, and the players just aren’t missing. Or something like that.
I can’t decide what I want to do with myself. I’ve always been indecisive but right now I’m just a pain in the arse. Do I want more children? Or do I want to stay as we are and do new things with my kiddles. Do I want to have stability and, dare I say it, boredom, in my life, or do I want things to be up in the air and keeping me on my toes. Do I want to grab life by the balls and do whatever, whenever, or do I want to feel safe and un-pushed (not pushed? What’s the right way to phrase that?)
I know. They should all be obvious answers but they’re not. Not to me anyway! I assume I am one of those women (Princess if you must, no, dammit, Queen!) who wants the best of both worlds. Yes I want my frigging cake and I have the cheek to want to eat it too. To quote my eldest, “I know, right!?”
I just get so, what’s the word I’m looking for, URGH, when things stay the same for too long. I like to switch things around. One month I might be all about having another baby and becoming the worlds best housewife, then the following month I couldn’t think of anything worse. Will I ever make a choice and stick with it forever? I can’t imagine I will! It’s like when you finally grow your hair and you decide to cut it again. It’s the whole, the grass is always greener scenario isn’t it? You want what you don’t have. In my case, it doesn’t matter what it is, I’ll want the opposite. And when I get that, I’ll go back to wanting what I had before.
Those closest to me probably feel like they can’t win. And maybe sometimes they can’t. But in the same instance at least they know they’ll never be bored with me around. There will never be that feeling of, same shit different day, because I never know what mood I’m going to wake up in, so how will they? At the moment I’m all about travelling, smaller cars, long weekends away (without smaller people) and lots of non baby-making sex. I’m not up for routine, I don’t want the same old same old. I want excitement and risk (but with lots of lay ins attached to that, let’s not get carried away) I don’t want to feel like life is passing me by, I want to be right up there, grabbing it round the neck and riding it wherever it might take me.
I know. Even I can’t keep up with me sometimes.